COLOMBIANA
BY JAKE MATHISON
September 14th, 2011
Starring: Zoe Saldana, Michael Vartan and Cliff Curtis
Directed by: Olivier Megaton
Written by: Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen
At one point during Colombiana, our heroine-- the fearless Cataleya (Zoe Saldana)-- is forced to fend off an attacker with a couple of toothbrushes. Yes, toothbrushes. And while the absurdity of this alone should tell you all you need to know, it unfortunately comes much too late in the film to make an informed decision on whether or not to walk out of hack writer Luc Besson's (The Fifth Element) latest, um... masterpiece.
Directed by Olivier Megaton (the poor soul responsible for Transporter 3), Colombiana follows the story of Cataleya, who as a child growing up in Colombia bears witness to the murder of her parents by-- surprise, surprise-- a drug cartel. Although her family is killed, young Cataleya escapes a similar fate by stabbing a man clean through his hand, sliding down drainage pipes, and showing off some serious Parkour moves before making her way into the sewer, to the American Embassy and finally to Chicago. And that's just the first ten minutes. She then somehow grows up into the super-sultry Zoe Saldana and becomes a hybrid between Le Femme Nikita and Batman, swearing revenge on those who murdered her family. Quite frankly, there's nothing but revenge here, and it's nothing we haven't seen before.
To her credit, Zoe Saldana is perhaps the most seductive actress working in Hollywood, which allows for Cataleya's tremendous sensuousness, appropriately masking the overarching loneliness that drives the character. But by the time we get to the meat of Cataleya, we've already long checked out of this hot mess and its wholly unbelievable contrivances. However, if you hate logic and love adrenaline, this sort of NASCAR film-making might be right up your raceway.
2/5
Colombiana is Rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality and brief strong language
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