BY JAKE MATHISON
November 11th, 2011
Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfayden, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Mads Mikkelsen, Juno Temple, James Corden, Orlando Bloom and Christoph Waltz
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Written by: Andrew Davies and Alex Litvak (screenplay); Alexandre Dumas (characters)
The Three Musketeers is easily the worst film of the year. It's an unmitigated disaster that reeks of ineptitude on every level. It comes complete with tortuously absurd anachronisms, horrendous one-liners, pooping tickets for horses, and a 17th century Tim Gunn. Not since last year's abysmal Skyline, has a film been so ill-conceived from top to bottom as to leave us wondering-- what were the people who greenlit this garbage smoking, and how can I get them my script?
It's about France, and war, and boobies, and stuff. D'Artagnan, played by the aspiring Logan Lerman (Gamer), journeys to Paris to become a Musketeer, only to find the usual trio have become antiquated, drunken shells of their former selves. When yet another plot to control the throne is uncovered, it's up to D'Artagnan to whip the boys back into shape, save the world, and get the girl. And it's all handled with the subtlety and tact of a Tea Party rally.
Here, director Paul W.S. Anderson (Death Race) has managed to find a way to get the absolute worst out of a relatively talented cast. Only Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds) and Juno Temple (Greenberg) escape the ordeal relatively unscathed, but both deserve, at the very least, a brief shunning for ever allowing their names to grace this turd. Worst of all, however, is what should be a career-ending performance from Orlando Bloom (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy), who cackles through all of scenes, twirling his mustache like an old-timey railroad baron.
Honestly, The Three Musketeers is a steaming pile of unintended camp. It's a dreadful effort, avoidable at all costs-- one for all, and all for naught.
.5/5 stars
The Three Musketeers is rated PG-13 for sequences of adventure action violence
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