NEW TWILIGHT IS A VAMP-PYRE (11/26/2011)

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN, PART I (PG-13)

BY JAKE MATHISON

November 26th, 2011

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Anna Kendrick and Michael Sheen

Directed by: Bill Condon

Written by: Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay) and Stephenie Meyer (novel)

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I is a muddled mess befitting an undead audience with infinite patience and forgiveness for a series that has gotten progressively worse since its inception, and now finds itself flatlined.

There is very little redeeming value to be found here. In fact, the first half of the film is so dreadfully boring it practically begs you to stake it (yes, I know I'm mixing my vampirical mythologies) and put it out of its misery. Over-saturated to the point of parody, it forces its victims to sit through an endless barrage of cheesy dialogue, shirtlessness and grossly ineffective musical montages.

The ever grody Kristen Stewart (aka the little boy from Panic Room) is her gaunt, depressing and miserly self here, while the regressing Taylor Lautner (Abduction) takes his huff and puff routine to unheard of levels of emo-camp craptasticness. Even the usually tolerable Robert Pattinson (Water for Elephants) seems to be sleepwalking through this dud. You know the acting is bad when your best performance is a two minute wedding cameo by Anna Kendrick (50/50), who we can only imagine is now having some serious regrets about ever signing that five picture deal in the first place.

Whether it's due to bowing to studio pressure or just general ineptness, director Bill Condon (Dreamgirls) is all over the map with this one, resulting in an exploitative first chapter to a double-feature that should never have been split in half. Yes, the teeny-boppers will get to scream at midnight, twice, but the world will be much worse for wear because of it. But on the bright side, if Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part II is even nearly as bad as this cheap laugh-fest, it may just drive the final nail in the coffin of the recent bloodsucker resurgence.

1.5/5 stars

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I is rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements

AP Photo

THE THREE MUSKETEERS (PG-13) (11/11/2011)

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

BY JAKE MATHISON

November 11th, 2011

Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfayden, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Mads Mikkelsen, Juno Temple, James Corden, Orlando Bloom and Christoph Waltz

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Written by: Andrew Davies and Alex Litvak (screenplay); Alexandre Dumas (characters)

The Three Musketeers is easily the worst film of the year. It's an unmitigated disaster that reeks of ineptitude on every level. It comes complete with tortuously absurd anachronisms, horrendous one-liners, pooping tickets for horses, and a 17th century Tim Gunn. Not since last year's abysmal Skyline, has a film been so ill-conceived from top to bottom as to leave us wondering-- what were the people who greenlit this garbage smoking, and how can I get them my script?

It's about France, and war, and boobies, and stuff. D'Artagnan, played by the aspiring Logan Lerman (Gamer), journeys to Paris to become a Musketeer, only to find the usual trio have become antiquated, drunken shells of their former selves. When yet another plot to control the throne is uncovered, it's up to D'Artagnan to whip the boys back into shape, save the world, and get the girl. And it's all handled with the subtlety and tact of a Tea Party rally.

Here, director Paul W.S. Anderson (Death Race) has managed to find a way to get the absolute worst out of a relatively talented cast. Only Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds) and Juno Temple (Greenberg) escape the ordeal relatively unscathed, but both deserve, at the very least, a brief shunning for ever allowing their names to grace this turd. Worst of all, however, is what should be a career-ending performance from Orlando Bloom (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy), who cackles through all of scenes, twirling his mustache like an old-timey railroad baron.

Honestly, The Three Musketeers is a steaming pile of unintended camp. It's a dreadful effort, avoidable at all costs-- one for all, and all for naught.

.5/5 stars

The Three Musketeers is rated PG-13 for sequences of adventure action violence

AP Photo