NEW TWILIGHT IS A VAMP-PYRE (11/26/2011)

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN, PART I (PG-13)

BY JAKE MATHISON

November 26th, 2011

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Billy Burke, Anna Kendrick and Michael Sheen

Directed by: Bill Condon

Written by: Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay) and Stephenie Meyer (novel)

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I is a muddled mess befitting an undead audience with infinite patience and forgiveness for a series that has gotten progressively worse since its inception, and now finds itself flatlined.

There is very little redeeming value to be found here. In fact, the first half of the film is so dreadfully boring it practically begs you to stake it (yes, I know I'm mixing my vampirical mythologies) and put it out of its misery. Over-saturated to the point of parody, it forces its victims to sit through an endless barrage of cheesy dialogue, shirtlessness and grossly ineffective musical montages.

The ever grody Kristen Stewart (aka the little boy from Panic Room) is her gaunt, depressing and miserly self here, while the regressing Taylor Lautner (Abduction) takes his huff and puff routine to unheard of levels of emo-camp craptasticness. Even the usually tolerable Robert Pattinson (Water for Elephants) seems to be sleepwalking through this dud. You know the acting is bad when your best performance is a two minute wedding cameo by Anna Kendrick (50/50), who we can only imagine is now having some serious regrets about ever signing that five picture deal in the first place.

Whether it's due to bowing to studio pressure or just general ineptness, director Bill Condon (Dreamgirls) is all over the map with this one, resulting in an exploitative first chapter to a double-feature that should never have been split in half. Yes, the teeny-boppers will get to scream at midnight, twice, but the world will be much worse for wear because of it. But on the bright side, if Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part II is even nearly as bad as this cheap laugh-fest, it may just drive the final nail in the coffin of the recent bloodsucker resurgence.

1.5/5 stars

Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I is rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements

AP Photo

THE THREE MUSKETEERS (PG-13) (11/11/2011)

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

BY JAKE MATHISON

November 11th, 2011

Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew Macfayden, Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans, Mads Mikkelsen, Juno Temple, James Corden, Orlando Bloom and Christoph Waltz

Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Written by: Andrew Davies and Alex Litvak (screenplay); Alexandre Dumas (characters)

The Three Musketeers is easily the worst film of the year. It's an unmitigated disaster that reeks of ineptitude on every level. It comes complete with tortuously absurd anachronisms, horrendous one-liners, pooping tickets for horses, and a 17th century Tim Gunn. Not since last year's abysmal Skyline, has a film been so ill-conceived from top to bottom as to leave us wondering-- what were the people who greenlit this garbage smoking, and how can I get them my script?

It's about France, and war, and boobies, and stuff. D'Artagnan, played by the aspiring Logan Lerman (Gamer), journeys to Paris to become a Musketeer, only to find the usual trio have become antiquated, drunken shells of their former selves. When yet another plot to control the throne is uncovered, it's up to D'Artagnan to whip the boys back into shape, save the world, and get the girl. And it's all handled with the subtlety and tact of a Tea Party rally.

Here, director Paul W.S. Anderson (Death Race) has managed to find a way to get the absolute worst out of a relatively talented cast. Only Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds) and Juno Temple (Greenberg) escape the ordeal relatively unscathed, but both deserve, at the very least, a brief shunning for ever allowing their names to grace this turd. Worst of all, however, is what should be a career-ending performance from Orlando Bloom (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy), who cackles through all of scenes, twirling his mustache like an old-timey railroad baron.

Honestly, The Three Musketeers is a steaming pile of unintended camp. It's a dreadful effort, avoidable at all costs-- one for all, and all for naught.

.5/5 stars

The Three Musketeers is rated PG-13 for sequences of adventure action violence

AP Photo

REAL STEEL (PG-13) (10/14/2011)

REAL STEEL

BY JAKE MATHISON

October 14th, 2011

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Dakota Goyo, Evangeline Lilly, Kevin Durand, Anthony Mackie, Hope Davis and James Rebhorn

Directed by: Shawn Levy

Written by: John Gatins (screenplay), Dan Gilroy (story), Jeremy Leven (story) and Richard Matheson (concept)

If you don't like Real Steel, you're dead inside. If you don't love Real Steel, you shouldn't go the movies. It's a classic underdog story, and if you choose to embrace it for what it is, there's little doubt you'll remain in its corner.

Director Shawn Levy's (Date Night) Real Steel is very loosely based off a cult-favorite Twilight Zone episode written by legendary sci-fi author Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, Somewhere in Time). And while this new interpretation shares little in common with its predecessor, its essential moral remains the same-- all the nuts and bolts in the world are worthless unless you have the guts and heart to go with them.

Here, the ever-charismatic Hugh Jackman (X-Men) plays a washed-up boxer and deadbeat dad named Charlie Kenton who has run out of chances in life. To make matters worse, it's the not-too-distant future and human boxing has been KO'd, replaced for some years now by robot fighters in the ring. Charlie fights via these robots at county fairs, hustling and gambling his way into a series of bad bets and even deeper debt. He's just about toast when he's informed that his ex-girlfriend (and mother of his child) has died and he has been awarded custody of the son he years ago abandoned. The boy, Max, played by young Dakota Goyo (Thor) is a precocious and witty little punk who immediately reminds Charlie of himself. They spend the majority of the film pretending to have little time and even less use for each other. When Max comes across Atom, an old gen-2 model robot in a junkyard, Charlie reluctantly seizes one desperate last attempt to repair not only his career but also his relationship with his son.

Although Real Steel won't be mistaken for high art any time soon, it's still an ironclad piece of work. There is a populist vibe that runs through its entirety. And for all of its unavoidable hokeyness, it's equally workmanlike. There's nobody paychecking out of this one. This is the silly dream of a child set to screen with the dead seriousness of an adult. And it works. For that reason alone, director Levy deserves a lot of credit. It would have been quite easy to get sloppy with this material, but he doesn't-- the narrative is tight, the cast is steady and the dialogue never clunks. The result is a fast, fun, emotionally charged ride through the backroads of relationships, human and robot alike. Ultimately, the real joy of Real Steel is getting to watch these characters discover their humanity in the most inhuman of places.

3.5/5

Real Steel is rated PG-13 for some violence, intense action and brief language

AP Photo

ABDUCTION (PG-13) (9/30/2011)

ABDUCTION

BY JAKE MATHISON

September 30th, 2011

Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver, Michael Nyqvist, Maria Bello and Jason Isaacs

Directed by: John Singleton

Written by: Shawn Christensen

With a little craftmanship, less cheese and more conviction, Abduction might have been a solid thriller. As is, it's a fun, juvenile joyride that is cut and done before you're allowed to groan too loudly. Taylor Lautner (Twilight) stars as Nathan Harper, a teenager whose world unravels when he discovers his entire life has been a lie, and he's thrust into a plot usually reserved for cheap spy fiction.

Lautner struts his stuff, flexing his ab muscles and brooding throughout like an emo Steven Seagal at senior prom. Luckily for him, his date is the entrancing British up-and-comer Lily Collins (Priest). Together, they spend an hour and a half evading bad guys and looking sexy while breaking light sweats. Along for the ride are a mishmash of shady characters with questionable allegiances, highlighted by veteran scene-sniper Alfred Molina (Spider-Man 2) as a dopey CIA agent. Sigourney Weaver (Ghostbusters), Michael Nyqvist (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo), Maria Bello (Coyote Ugly), Jason Isaacs (The Patriot), and even an uncredited Dermot Mulroney (My Best Friend's Wedding) also turn up briefly.

Director John Singleton (Shaft) refrains from stretching himself or exploring riskier stylistic choices, and as a result Abduction is an average, straight-forward teen thriller that does just enough to keep you interested without, at least initially, questioning its internal logic. Think North by Northwest for the Twilight crowd.

2/5

Abduction is Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence and action, brief language, some sexual content and teen partying

AP Photo

DRIVE (R) (9/26/2011)

DRIVE

BY JAKE MATHISON

September 26th, 2011

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks, Bryan Cranston, Christina Hendricks and Ron Perlman

Directed by: Nicolas Winding Refn

Written by: Hossein Amini (screenplay) and James Sallis (book)

Although it may be impossible, Danish filmmaker Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive will leave you desperately struggling to define it. It will simultaneously captivate and repulse you. It's a gritty, other-worldly dream loaded with purposeful contradiction and sloppiness. Here, Refn (Bronson) masterfully crafts a quietly chaotic, Kubrickian universe wherein silence is dialogue and dialogue is silence.

The brilliant Ryan Gosling (The Notebook) plays the titular unnamed driver, a mysterious Los Angeles transplant and sometimes Hollywood stunt driver who gets his kicks by moonlighting as a wheelman for the city's seedy underbelly. Gosling's ability to emote without saying anything is uncanny, and you can almost feel his legend growing in Brando like fashion. As such, Driver is a tough, multi-layered character to crack, and his walls often seem nearly impenetrable.

When Driver meets a young mother, played by the beguiling Carey Mulligan (Never Let Me Go), he finally begins to let his guard down. But her ex-con husband returns from prison to reclaim his family and Driver is reluctantly pulled into a heist gone wrong, finding himself in fast trouble with the wrong people (Albert Brooks, Ron Perlman).

This film is timeless. In fact, I'm not even sure it exists in any set time. Refn hasn't thrown us many breadcrumbs either-- save for the occasional sprinkling of some panko. The cast, from top to bottom, is fantastic. Albert Brooks (Modern Romance) shines as a disinterested mafioso. Mulligan digs deep into her character's loneliness and loathing, juxtaposing them with an enviable tenderness that inevitably drives our Driver to his epic conclusions. Drive is a tortuous ride that asks an endless amount of questions and gives almost no answers, but they're fascinating questions and there is great beauty in just how little this film actually reveals. It'll keep you in its stranglehold.

4/5

Drive is Rated R for strong brutal bloody violence, language and some nudity

AP Photo

CONTAGION (PG-13) (9/20/2011)

CONTAGION

BY JAKE MATHISON

September 20th, 2011

Starring: Matt Damon, Kate Winslet, Laurence Fishburne, Jude Law, Marion Cotillard, John Hawkes, Jennifer Ehle and Elliot Gould

Directed by: Steven Soderbergh

Written by: Scott Z. Burns

When the unpredictable outbreak of a deadly virus occurs rapidly across the globe, an all-star cast (headlined by Matt Damon and Kate Winslet) is forced to frantically chew up dialogue and take their best shot at saving what's left of our world. Steven Soderbergh's Contagion is a slick, realistic nightmare about a near-miss with a natural apocalypse. Of course, we've seen this film before, but the "new" is in the nuances. Rarely does a director of Soderbergh's (Erin Brokovich, Traffic) ilk undertake a project that in all honesty should have been earmarked for someone like Michael Bay (Armageddon, Transformers), and as such we should be thankful for the added weightiness he immediately brings to the table.

Contagion knows how to pack a punch, and there are a lot of them to keep track of here. From Marion Cotillard to Laurence Fishburne, this film was judiciously cast to allow maximum exposure, impact, and resonance. Unfortunately, flexing this strength also becomes Contagion's one true weakness as there are simply too many happenings and too many characters for us to care about any one of them individually. The exception, however, might be Matt Damon's (The Bourne Identity, Good Will Hunting) portrayal of the film's true civilian, a Minneapolis father coming to terms with the sudden death of his wife (Gwyneth Paltrow) and the devolving world around him. Damon gives an intently focused performance here, being inadvertently linked to a seed of the outbreak, yet unable to do anything but survive until the next day.

There is a purposeful, frustratingly dull ache to this film, and it's really as much about cold, hard acceptance as it is about survival. Primarily set in Minneapolis (although filmed in Chicago), the bitterness of winter in Minnesota dutifully serves the enveloping struggle. Contagion is designed to hit close to home and succeeds, becoming worthy of hitting your wallets for-- at the very least-- a matinee.

3.5/5

Contagion is Rated PG-13 for disturbing content and some language

AP Photo

COMMUNITY SNUBS ARE AN EPIC FAIL FOR EMMYS (9/18/2011)

COMMUNITY SNUBS ARE AN EPIC FAIL FOR EMMYS

BY JAKE MATHISON

September 18th, 2011

Like many of you, I'll be parked in front of the tube tonight for this year's Emmys, aka the Egregious Errors. And per usual, I'll take extreme pleasure in booing and guffawing the night away as the bigwigs of bad television take home the gold. Because like any award show, the Emmys get more wrong than right. They're not about content or ingenuity, they're antiquated popularity contests. And the more talented, but less known, often go overlooked.

This year, there is no more flagrant an oversight than the general absence of nods for the fantabulous NBC comedy Community. To not win is one thing, to not even be nominated is a gross violation and discrediting of the awards process in general.

Quite frankly, Community is the sharpest, most acerbic, most meta half hour currently in production. Creator Dan Harmon and his brilliant cast are not only boundary-breakers, but format visionaries. This is a show that painstakingly stop-motion animated their second season's Christmas special and dared to devote not one, but two episodes to cast-wide no-rules paintball games. In the process, Harmon has managed to revitalize Chevy Chase's stagnant career and introduce the world to budding stars Donald Glover and Danny Pudi. It's a show that breaks down every stereotype we have about the world around us, pulls no punches, and is actually funny. Not just ha-ha funny. This show is bust-a-gut funny.

Worst of all, however, might just be the epic snubbing of Alison Brie for "Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series." Brie's multi-layered portrayal of precociously perky Greendale goddess Annie Edison is not only spot-on, it's above and beyond. Though she's done some very solid work on AMC's Mad Men, Brie is truly in her element here, showcasing impeccable comedic timing while still providing her character with rare warmth, sensitivity and intelligence.

While it's hard to take anything away from Community and its seemingly endless list of talent, Alison Brie is really the heart of this amazing series and as such deserved (at the very least) a nod. Failing to do so is a laughable, if not criminal, offense. But I digress to the usual cliches... there's always next year, right?

AP Photos